A Turning Point

A Turning Point

It's been eventful and some of it was difficult and in the end it was all worth it.  I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

I'm embarrassed by my behavior.  I've had a few major freak outs the last couple of weeks.  I've blamed people, I've talked badly about them, I've put my nose in the business of others.  I really needed to stop and just focus on myself.

No matter what I was trying, I simply couldn't get over it.  I just ignored it and tried to make the best of it yesterday.  At some point during the Spa Party it just all slipped away.  I let go.  I wasn't upset, stressed out or angry anymore.  It's such a relief!!!!  My heart is filled again with joy and love.  It makes me sad to think about how I've been acting and how nasty my attitude has been.  This is not who I am and this is not who I want to be.

I'm grateful to be forgiven and have another chance to build a good, healthy relationship.  I'm glad Kevin still wants to marry me, even after seeing the worst of me.  I don't deserve him, but I'm thrilled to have him.

In just 5 short days we are getting married and our families will officially be joined.  I can't wait!!!  And just in the knock of time, the tension and drama between his sister and I is gone.  I am looking forward to spending time with her this week and her being in our wedding and what all we are going to get to do...and to it together.

Planning for the Move

Planning for the Move

Well, today I don't have much planned.  I'm waiting to hear from the apartment manager about the family who will be taking over our lease.  Kevin and I are quite hopeful as it's been unnecessarily difficult living with his sister.  Since she decided to move out and leave the problems on us, we have decided that we would find someone to take over the lease and just move someplace cheaper.  That will allow us to pay off our debt (wedding and prewedding debt) faster.  Ideally, we want to pay off the debt and save for our future.  It's not going to be easy, but we have decided to rent the studio from my mom in Garden Grove.  That will allow us a safe place to live while meeting our goals.  I'm hopeful that Kevin will get to telecommute after the move because he's never really had a commute before and I know it's not going to be enjoyable for either of us if he does have to commute.

The plan is to get all the paperwork and details worked out for the move this week.  Then Sunday I get to have a much-needed Spa Day Bachelorette Party with a few ladies in the family and close-friend circle.  I'm sure I will need it by then.  Next week we have errands and chores to do for the wedding preparations.  The, the wedding and honeymoon (I will write much more another time about these events for sure!).

After we return from the honeymoon in mid-January I need to work on getting boxes, packing, getting rid of what we won't be keeping (sell, donate or trash) and starting to move things over to my mom's townhouse.  I really would like to get a large plastic storage for mom's backyard.  I want to put some things in there versus paying for a storage unit every single month.  I hope mom will let us get one of those.

In addition to the wedding, honeymoon and then a move...I start school February 3rd, have new insurance with Kaiser which I hope will keep me moving in this nice direction of health and then mid February I have to go to LA for a reevaluation from the psych dr for the lawsuit.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I really don't mind meeting with the doctor, but the drive is hideous, it takes all day and his office smelled really strongly of dog urine last time I was there.  I don't want to be rude, but I need to find a way to tell him it's too much to sit in his office with that smell.

I still have one box I never completely unpacked.  I can't believe we are already moving.  It finally feels like home and now we are gone again.  Mom will be okay with the juicing, but she won't like the cooking.  I know she says it;s okay, but she always complains about the stuff that you need to cook (all the tools and food and spices, etc!)  Come on, you can't open a box and toss it in the microwave and pretend that you've cooked a wonderful meal.  She knows and she loves my food.  So I'm going to try my best to think ahead and plan and really be mindful of the shared space.

I also need to be very sure to leave all our stuff in our space.  I'm hoping mom will let us put the couch set in the living room area and the buffet too.  But I don't want to sell my dining room table.  That's a bit disappointing.  I will need to sell the table, the tv stand/baking stand and probably a few other things.  I don't know where we will put our bikes.  Maybe we should get a storage unit and pay monthly rent.  We can put our furnishings, bikes, extra clothing, etc.  It shouldn't be more than 6 months anyway before we move out on our own.  Mostly we just need to figure out how Kevin's work is going to go before we figure out where we will live and what we will do.  Who knows, maybe he can work at home and I can manage a small property...that will save us rent and get me back into the workforce and test those waters.  I'm kind of excited about all of this.

No chance to sit back and relax.  I truly hope I get to enjoy the wedding and not get caught up in any drama, the details or trying too hard to be a good host that I miss just enjoying our wedding.  8 days...so excited, I can't wait!!

Happy Holidays

Best Christmas Of My Life!

There has been a lot going on.  I stopped focusing on what is out of my control or my responsibility and given it up to others to deal with. Kevin and Christine are looking for either a roommate or someone to take over our entire lease.  Now I can focus on the Holidays and the Wedding!!!  WAHOO!!!

Oh man.  I can really get used to these Gilbert-Troyer Christmases.  On Christmas Eve we all gathered at the Gilbert's house for yummy El Pollo Loco dinner, homemade salt and pepper popcorn (my contribution), opening gifts and watching an old classic, White Christmas (long but really good).  It was a nice ending to a long day of baking, cleaning, errands and shopping. I was so stressed out I freaked out a little.  But then I calmed down, walked in and had the most amazing time.  Honestly, I don't know why I freaked out...I was stressed about the time, but I was enjoying the day, working hard and getting a lot done.  I truly enjoyed a day feelings pretty good.

Then Christmas morning came.  Greg, Brad and Kevin all went for their 2nd Annual Christmas Morning Bike Ride.  While they were gone Cathy and I made  big brunch of potatoes, scrambled eggs, homemade buttermilk biscuits and apple slices.  After brunch the Gilberts went home to nap and get ready for the dinner...then my parents arrived (late, weird that they were both so late).  They enjoyed some late breakfast, then we chatted and played a couple rounds of Settlers of Catan.  It was so fun!  Just when we were getting too hungry it was time to head back over to the Gilberts for Christmas dinner and spending time with more family.  I had a great time.  We played so many games of Uno, enjoyed an extra yummy dinner, some laughs and time with the family.  I hope one day my brother and his wife can join us.  It was like the Gilbert and Troyer family is one big family.  It makes me very happy.

In addition to having some great holidays, I got to chat with my brother on the phone and catch up.  He doesn't like to talk much, so you should know that is a real treat!  Also, I'm so grateful that the medicine has been working because it's been so amazing to just feel so much better.  I'm well on my way to recovery.  I signed up for new insurance with Kaiser Permanante because Obamacare is causing my MSI to end.  I have to pay more than we can afford for this insurance, but on the very high upside, I will get to see the Allergist for the allergy tests and the shots to clear up my allergy issues and desensitize.  So, I should be feeling better long term and be ready to get all of my life back.  I can't wait to surprise Kevin with a whole week of feeling great...I will be able to cook and clean for him, enjoy activities after he's done with work, finish school, focus and have fun and not have so many crabby moments from the frustration of forgetting, or even being in pain.  I did take a bunch of excedrin last night before dinner...but I would still count it as two good days in a row and I'll take it!  So good.

I signed up for school.  I start in February.  I am very excited.  Since I have been feeling better and this is going in a generally positive direction Kevin and I have come up with a plan to ease back into a full blown life.  First, start small.  We are going on a roadtrip.  It's planned so we can do a lot or a little depending upon how I feel.  I'm hoping I feel great and we can do a lot.  Second, I will go back to school in February and will be completely in October (if all goes perfectly).  This will require more responsibility and reliability since I have to attend classes and meet in groups for each class.  If it keeps going well, then the next step is working.  I was considering working from home part time at first to test the waters, then move into full time.  I'm concerned when I return to work I will fail and be sick and get fired.  If the allergist and the shots work, then working outside of the home should be ok.  I may need to consider another career field.  I loved teaching and am excited to return, but between having a boss who is flatout mean and an unhealthy, dirty working environment I just don't know if I can take it mentally or physically.  This is something that I'm going to have to work on.  I want to work on standing up for myself.  I don't want to be mean or rude, but I want to set boundaries for people so they respect me but don't abuse me.  This is something I need to focus on.

Before I wrap this up for the day, I would like to add that I've not thought this clearly in so long.  I am starting to notice when I'm having reactions and I think I may soon be able to narrow down what to avoid.  At least I can figure it out sooner and remove myself from the situation.

I would say, if how I was before I got sick was 100% that I got down to about a 30% trying not to die (that's how it felt).  I hovered around that 30% for a very long time and after this past month of allergy medicine and migraine medicine, I would say I would rate myself at about a 50%.  This is a huge improvement.  I'm so excited that I want to celebrate every day possible by cooking, cleaning, driving, talking, walking, laughing and living.  I love it!!

Life goes on. Hang on and try to have fun!

December 21, 2013

Life is complex.  It is what it is.  Good moments, challenging moments, sad moments.  You might want to just pause, whether it's to stop and enjoy or take a break from the hard times.  But you can't.  Life just keeps on going.  I've spent a year keeping a blog about my health and the adventures I have gone through trying to heal myself.  In the end, I learned that my body has changed and I just need to accept it.  It's a hard lesson to learn.  Life goes on.  But, life does go on.  And when you realize you just have to roll with those punches, you can start to see the joy and excitement.  You can focus on the great events and moments and feel better.  I didn't die; no more than you or anyone else is dying at least.

Not only did I survive this past year.  I repaired and improved my relationships with the Lord, my dad and myself.  I also met a wonderful man who I plan to marry in the very near future.  I had medical insurance, even thought it was only for a few months.  In that short time frame I tried a new medication that seems to be helping and I think I can get enough medication (affordable without insurance) until I get new medical insurance.  It's really helped with the focusing, the dizziness and many of the headaches.  So awesome!  I look forward to starting school again soon after a little more testing to be sure this isn't temporary improvement (this happened a lot in the past couple years).  Our roommate has decided to move out, which presented an interesting opportunity for us.  I think we will be trying to move up to North Orange County and getting our own apartment.  It could be a very good opportunity and I'm excited. Recently we realized I am allergic to my wedding ring.  I'm kind of sad but since I'm on a roll of taking these problems and finding new opportunities,  well, I can't wait to see what good is going to come from this.  I'm sure it will be something good as I trust the Lord will continue to take good care of us.

I think the hardest lesson I have learned is that everything changes and it will be okay.  My own body has changed and I'm still learning about my limitations and how to accept it and cope with it.  It's just shocking to know something is different, I guess.  Examples, sometimes my feet just kill me and I can hardly walk now, sometimes I have headaches so bad that I have to stay in bed in a dark room and sometimes I turn red and swell up like a blow fish.  I know the feet pain is temporary and will go away.  I know that the headaches will force me to rest and will go away.  I know the red swelling body will calm back down and I will survive.  Simple adjustments and I'm okay.

Anyway, from now on I'm going to try to focus on identifying the obstacles, finding and implementing a solution and not getting disappointed.  Instead, I'm going to do my best to enjoy the good that comes from all of this.